meddled cobwebs

It's funny as you get older [wiser], how one's perspective changes. The older I get the more I realize I don't know. It seems in the past I lived by such absolutes with not much room for improvisation. And as the years have gone by, and as I have "experienced life," I find myself giving the humbling answer to life's difficult questions, "You know, I just 'don't know".  I also think as we get older, and I am sure that you would all agree, that our priorities change. My attitude has changed about many things. I think that a lot of my motivations behind my actions in my more formative years were to please others. Actually, I don't think, I know. I lived based on expectations and a lot of that stems from my childhood and the dynamics of the relationships with my mothers and fathers. Whether it was my role as a student, sister, daughter, girlfriend, friend...my decisions seemed to be under constant scrutiny.

Being an introvert to begin with and then throwing myself headfirst into college and marriage really affected me in the long run because I eventually burned out. After a few years of college and marriage, I "gave up." The expectations that I placed not only on myself, but the ones that were placed on me by my friends, family, and teachers closed in on me causing me to question my motives and really who I was as a person. Of course as we get older, we mature, and I know it's hard for some of you to believe that I could become mature, but it's true. Having a child has sedated me. No words in the English dictionary are sufficient when it comes to describing how much I love my little girl and how much J has helped shaped my thoughts and my life.

For a person who naturally wants to please and is a perfectionist, I am learning to do a heart-motive check and often re-form that energy. My heart's desire is to be "real" and to be "honest." I have so many masks that I wear and had so many roles to play that I am often confused and am trying to figure out who I truly am. I definitely feel like I am in the wilderness at times...sometimes a journey...sometimes a holding cell...sometimes solitary confinement...I get glimpses, but I am still in search.

The search is working. I felt contentment briefly for the first time. It was good, but still so much to meddle through.